


Some "Aliens" Have Rancid Vibes, Baby

by JayTDawgzone9999



Category: Space ☆ Dandy, グラップラー刃牙 | Baki the Grappler
Genre: Crack, I Don't Even Know, No ogres were harmed in the making of this fic, Timeline What Timeline, don't take this seriously, shitpost fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:38:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21814795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayTDawgzone9999/pseuds/JayTDawgzone9999
Summary: After getting chewed out by Scarlet for failing to collect enough decent bounties to justify their choice of career, a dandy guy in space and his not so brave space crew hear about a super rare, super powerful creature and decide to visit a distant, mysterious planet to capture the bizarre creature so they can get more woo-longs and go to Boobies but soon learn that listening to idle word of mouth has its pitfalls.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	Some "Aliens" Have Rancid Vibes, Baby

**Author's Note:**

> I doubt anyone else even watches both of these series, but some ideas demand being written so they don't take up space in your head and so this happened. Also I just really like any random excuse I can find to write about Dandy and co. hunting down all sorts of weird things that may or may not be aliens so why not.

"Dandy, Meow, QT." Scarlet asked the trio of alien hunters in a flat voice that barely concealed her fiery rage. "Do you three know why I called you in here today?" 

Dandy's gaze jumped around the room like one of the fleas on Meow's back that one time he got fleas after their disastrous visit to the dry-cleaning planet, his hands squeezing his thighs as sweat formed on his palms, staining his pants. "I can't say I do, miss Scarlet." 

QT's eyes looked like they were bulging out of his head, or as much as a robot/vacuum-cleaner's eyes could look like they were as he shook like a leaf that was seconds away from being blown away by a leafblower. "Uh, Miss Scarlet, are you mad at us?" he ventured to ask, his voice clearly strained with fear. 

Scarlet glared at them, pressing her palm against her forehead before responding. "Mad is a very specific word, QT. To be mad at someone implies that you feel angry about their words or actions. After dealing with the aggravation you idiots have caused me time after time for years on end, there's no point wasting time in being mad anymore." she continued, grabbing something out of her desk and handing it to them. "Instead of wasting both your own time and mine with this continued farce, I suggest you all take a look at this." 

"Huh, a space career change magazine?" Meow asked. 

"While I can't force you three to change careers, I strongly suggest for both your own sake's as well as mine that you consider finding work in another field." Scarlet continued, her voice trailing off as she straightened some papers on her desk before putting them in a drawer. 

_____

"Aw, man, what're we gonna do now?" Meow complained while Dandy flipped through the space career change booklet Scarlet gave them. 

"Perhaps it might be a good idea after all." QT offered. "We do have a rather abysmal success rate with capturing rare aliens, after all. Who knows, changing careers might be good for us. We could find something we enjoy doing that suits our skills and talents." 

Before Meow could respond, Dandy ripped the magazine in half, standing dramatically. "Meow, QT." he said in a voice that, if it had belonged to literally anyone else, would have been ominous. "Quitting is for losers and morons, and Dandy's no quitter. Quitting when things get tough is like a fish trying to swim against the current and flopping around and getting all exhausted and running out of oxygen and then it dies. If you don't keep on swimming, you'll never reach your destination on the road of life! Quitting? On my Aloha-Oe? Not a chance in hell, baby!" 

The immediate area around them was filled with silence as Meow and QT struggled to comprehend the metric assload of stupidity Dandy was rambling about (besides a train passing by behind them.) 

"Uh, what does that even mean-" Meow asked. 

"That didn't make any sense at all." QT added. 

"Listen, Meow, QT-" Dandy went on, "Sometimes when the plug of life falls out of the socket of life, you gotta pick up the plug and jam it back in the socket! If you give in to despair and don't plug the plug back in the socket, you'll never reach your destiny! So decide, right here and now, will you two lie around because you fell out of the socket or will you pick yourself back up and plug yourselves back in?!" 

"What the-are you for real?" some guy nearby who was just barely in eyesight asked another guy. "You mean he's still alive? The ogre? For real?" 

"Yeah, he is, I just saw him competing on live tv a few days ago! He's still going as strong as ever." 

"Woah, that's insane, dude's a total beast!" 

Dandy, Meow, and QT, suddenly caught in a fog of confusion so thick it could star in a hentai, stayed as quiet as possible while eavesdropping on the two guys, visions of things like woo-longs and boobies dancing in their heads as they listened, dollar signs popping up in their eyes as the two guys continued their conversation. 

"Yeah, dude, that's the ogre all right." one of the guys said when the other one showed him a picture on his phone. 

"Hell yeah it is, I bet nobody in the entire universe could defeat him. He's truly one of a kind, there will never be another one like him, that's for sure." 

"Heh heh....Meow, QT, we're gonna be rich!" Dandy whooped when they hopped into the Aloha-Oe, prepared to find that super rare, super powerful creature known as "the ogre," get rich, and spend an insane amount of woo-longs at Boobies. 

"Woo-hoo, we're gonna get so many woo-longs we won't even be able to fit them all on the ship!" Meow added. 

"Uh, Dandy? You're gonna use the warp drive button? I thought you said using the warp drive was bad for your hair?" QT asked. 

"Don't be silly, QT." Dandy replied. "I'm sure we'll get a huge amount of woo-longs for capturing this guy and when we do, I'll be able to buy all the hair products I'll ever need, baby." 

"Yeah, but I don't think they make stuff that will grow your hair back if you go bald-" QT's remark was cut off by Dandy slamming on the warp drive button and his own screams. 

"Woo yeah, planet Earth, prepare for Dandy to be all over you baby!" Dandy whooped as the Aloha-Oe warped away from their current location in the blink of an eye. 

______

In the middle of the arena, surrounded by shouting specators and fans, a huge middle aged man with flame red hair and impossibly dense muscles rippling across his entire body and a short, hunched over samurai wielding two katanas stared each other down. The tension in the air between them hummed with an energy only the two of them could hear, though some of the other fighters in the audience could tell there was real killing intent coming from both of them. 

The red-haired man, a creature who reigned supreme over all others in terms of sheer physical might and fighting prowess, and the samurai, the most famous swordsman in all of Japanese history, regarded each other with silence, eagerly awaiting the referee's signal to start the match. Only one of them would survive, that was something they both agreed upon, even if most of the rest of the audience was oblivious to it, thinking it was just an extra special match between two extra strong fighters. 

Whatever the crowd was thinking, though, it was nothing like what certain people outside the arena were thinking, or, more accurately, not thinking, as certain people were too busy falling straight through the Earth's atmosphere to do much of any kind of thinking. 

_____

"Ahhhhhh, what the fuck-why did the warp drive betray me like this?!" Dandy yelled, smashing the button over and over at the speed of a jackhammer while Meow and QT held onto each other screaming. "Damn you warp drive, you failed me for the last time, you rotten little-" 

Just as the referee of the most insane fight in all of Japan's history gave the signal, a spaceship that looked like nothing that had ever been built by human hands crash landed right in between the monster who defeated the US army single-handedly and the most famous samurai in all of Japanese history. 

"Hmm, what's this?" Musashi remarked, staring at the spaceship, holding his chin in between his thumb and index finger and his two swords in his other hand, ignoring the screams and shouts from the audience and the angry look on his opponent's face. 

"Ugh, my head.....that was one hell of a fall, baby." Dandy mumbled, rubbing his head as he looked around. 

The lights were way too bright and there was way too much shouting and screaming, so he could only assume it wasn't heaven, but he figured he hadn't gone to hell either, as it didn't feel any hotter than usual and there were no demons holding pitchforks. 

"Meow, QT?" Dandy said to himself, looking around for a moment until he saw the two of them staring wide-eyed in fright at some huge shadow looming over them. 

"Uh, hey, guys, what're you two looking at? Did you find the ogre? Come on, he can't be that scary. We'll just capture him and then we can take him to the alien registration center when we get our spaceship fixed." Dandy said, the last word leaving his mouth no sooner than the huge shadow grew even larger and a strange silence filled the air, blocking out the noise of screaming and shouting from the people in the stands looking down on (or running away from) the whole thing. 

After QT and Meow gave Dandy a strange look that couldn't be matched to any familiar emotion, the last thing the three of them saw when they looked back up was flash of red hair for a second and a demon's face for a second after that when the man turned to perfect his stance before delivering a strike. Within seconds, there was nothing, no red hair, no terrifyingly huge man, no demon's face, just the cold darkness of space, a few stray asteroids and planets, and the twinkling stars off in the distance so far away they almost seemed unreal. 

______

Scarlet sighed, shaking her head at the memory of the conversation she had with Dandy and his friends earlier that day. 

"Ugh, what a bunch of morons. I should have done that much sooner, but at least it's over with." she told herself as she straightened up her things, preparing to leave work for the day. "I hope I never see them again." she told herself, turning to leave the room just as a certain trio of alien hunters crashed through the ceiling of her office.


End file.
